i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She's the barista slut.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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