I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
