My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
