dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
