the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
accomplished twins. life is a go
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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