Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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