well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
