im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
