Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Oh god it's open bar.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
