apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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