im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My dick has a subreddit
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
