the condom got lost in my hair
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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