is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
