She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize