why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
