I just pynch a tree in the face
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
