I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
