oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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