Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize