she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
