No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
