I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
