he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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