I seem to have left my pride at pride
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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