Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
