I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
