my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize