Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
