Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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