my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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