Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
