Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
