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Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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