apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
