Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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