Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
