im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
