Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
