We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
