I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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