i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
