Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize