Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
