My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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