Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
