the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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