Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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