Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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