I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize