Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
