so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
