3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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