I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
