The maid of honor just puked.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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