i love accidental penises.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
