Banned from zoo.
Again?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
