Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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