No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
