I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I will pee on everything he values.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
