Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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