your parents love me but you hate me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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